"if you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose"
There is also some links to his New Yorker pieces.
How I want to be remembered
We are gathered here, way far in the future, for the funeral of Jack Handey, the world’s oldest man. He died suddenly in bed, according to his wife, Miss France.
According to our scientists, with their electronic soul trackers, Jack is in Heaven now. And not just regular Heaven, which any jerk can get into, but special secret Heaven, which even some angels don’t know about.
My First Day in Hell
Despite the tasty food and warm weather, there’s a dark side to Hell. For one thing, it’s totally disorganized. That anything gets done down here is a miracle. You’ll be herded along in one big line, then it’ll separate into three lines, then the lines will all come back together again! For no apparent reason! It’s crazy. You try to ask a demon a question, but he just looks at you. I don’t mean to sound prejudiced, but you wonder if they even speak English.